Time well spent

I had the opportunity to spend some time alone with my 15 yr old son the other day.  [That is him on my lap in my profile picture]
He has always been the kind of person, (just so happens he is my son), that I can talk to so easily.... even when he was little we would talk and talk like he was just a person.
Him in his little blonde mullet...hahaha it was 1997 the mullet was not a word I even knew, I just knew he had the prettiest blonde hair with curls in the back.  We cut it off before he started preschool in 1998. 
He has always been a joy, with his sparkling blue eyes and adorable grin.  My pudgy little guy would run through the house [that's right I let him run in the house] laughing always happy.  There was about 6 mths that he had a consistant bump on his forehead from running, falling, bumping.  Finding him in the kitchen biting into a potato putting it back, he quit doing that when he accidentally bit into an onion...
One day he climbed into a small cabinet and poked his head out when I called his name, face covered in chocolate sitting in the middle of the blanket pile.
He loved hockey when he was little, we'd go to games and he would sit and watch, cheering... One time I kept saying his name, finally he leaned over and said "mom, I am watching the game..." all I wanted was to see if he wanted nachos..hahaha.    Playing goalie at Mema's house, taking a big drink out of his water bottle to only spit it on the carpet and realize it was red kool-aid.... he was spitting water on the ice like the players do---
He wanted so badly to be part of a team... I had found used sport uniforms, soccer, baseball, etc at a 2nd hand store so I bought them for him, he would get all dressed through a duffle bag on his shoulder and go to the door, looking back at me and say, "Mom coach called I have practice today".
He was so proud the first time he was on a baseball team, and he hasn't missed a season yet.  Even last year as we thought he didn't have a team last minute he got a phone call and began playing.... which brought us to where we are today--- in a small Oklahoma town, making friends who are kind and supportive.  Playing his dream out high school baseball.  True we always thought, hoped he would fullfill his dream of high school ball in Broken Arrow; but when you give it to God, and ask Him to handle it He does what He knows is best...
the team is great, the coach loves my son.  He is playing varsity and junior varsity, getting his name in the paper a few times here and there... watching his dreams unfold nothing sweeter for a mom/parent. 
The first road trip the team went on, he told me he sat there on the bus in awe of the fact that he was on this bus--going to his first school game.  Its the simple things in life that let us know when we are entering the threshold of our dreams, visions....
He is a great kid, a wonderful son and an amazing person!  I truly did not do anything that I can honestly say contributed to this person growing up to be such a great human.  I gave him back to God after the Lord gave him to me... I've trusted God with him (& my other children) and well, you know when you do that you just can't go wrong!  Each minute I spend with my kids is Time Well Spent... that is why it was so hard to come to peace with the idea of not being here for them, when I began looking into working-- but as God is God and God does what He does so wonderfully He has opened a door for me to be here for my kids.... so it looks like my Time will remain Well Spent!!

Standing..... or at least sitting up straight!

If I told you what I've been through the past 10 months you probably wouldn't really believe me and there are days that it still keeps pouring on.
Betrayal from people that you thought you could rely on, those who actually vowed to be there, others who you just always thought would be.  Those are the ones that can hurt you the most.
A friend recently said that its the stuff we aren't prepared for that are the hardest.
How true is that?  If you'd told me what was going to happen before it happened I may have been able to prepare myself, or would I? 
I mean after all when we find out a loved one is ill, or their end it near, we think we are prepared then when we lose them but we never really are.  So maybe it would not have been easier to see all of this ahead of time.
I know in losing Tami, if I would have known I would have picked up when she called me an hour before she left this world... I would have made the hour or so drive and been standing in her doorway telling her to call in sick that day... I would have stood in the highway telling her not to go that way... there isn't anything in this world that would have prepared me or made it ok to lose her that day.
With my marriage... geez I saw that happening, unfolding before my eyes.  For years I prayed, I studied... eventually, I will admit I gave up a bit;  I quit caring... I stopped being upset by what seemed to be going wrong.  I never totally gave up, I begged, I asked, I pleaded for him to get on track.  It never seemed to be something he could do, it still isn't something he seems to be able to do.

I've had to give up  things I was passionate about, I have had to rethink who I am, what I should be doing.  I have had to put the rubbers (boots) on, okay they are the boots you wear when you duck hunting up to my thighs... tuck my (1) pair of Miss Me's in and toughen up... figure out what I should be doing now,  (I thought I knew 6 months ago what I was suppose to be doing). 
I've had to drag myself out of bed, most days I've just pulled the covers up over my head, and waited until my kids were home to drag myself out of bed, but I've done it. 
I've cried until I didn't think I had a tear left, but still felt them pour down my cheek...
yelled and spoken words I am shocked to this day to hear come out of my mouth...
felt my soul cave in as I was beaten down by people I so thought were friends... 
I've thought that I couldn't take anymore, and debated running away, taking my kids and just leaving. 
As life goes my children keep me grounded, give me a sense of purpose, my faith rebounds me, the hope revives within me, and keeps me moving on.  Knowing that God created me for something, some purpose, job...
I like to think that IF I weren't needed, if there wasn't something that I was needed for no one would be working against me, especially as hard as they seem to be at this point and time.
I see the path clearing, the ground becoming firmer... I feel the excitement stirring up within me the kind that drives you to do something, something big!
I am grateful for the grace and mercy that my God gives me, even when I stumble and fall, when I continue to fail Him, He is right there waiting for me to stand up... it's been tough to stand up lately, but as Donnie McClurkin sings, "when you've done all you can YOU JUST STAND!" 
No song inspires me or makes me cry like that one... somedays its all I can do to sit up straight... but I think in God's eyes that is close enough to standing...

David Wilkerson

Tonight I learned of the tragic death of David Wilkerson... a man who was so willing to go where I imagine no other caucasin minister was willing to go in the 70's... into the gang world in New York City.  His story is amazing, the lives that he touched, that like a ripple in the sea touched others all for the saving knowledge of our Lord and Savior. 
He has a blog on blogspot, and he actually posted April 27, his accident took place on April 27--to see what our Lord was revealing to him on the day that his eternal life began is amazing.  I encourage you to go read it at davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.
And get a copy of The Cross and the Switchblade... if you have teen sons who have read The Outsiders then have them read it; it truly is a positive version of that kind of story. 
Oh David Wilkerson the rewards in heaven for you are many... each jewel is a soul that your obedience to the Lord is now a saved soul!

I recently have realized that when someone special that you love leaves this world you do heal but never completely recover, for me it is more like, I am getting use to missing those people in my life. 
While it is sad to go through this, I count it a privilege and joy that I was ever able to love or be loved by those people... Forever in my heart my Dad and Tami will remain!

been such a long time

Its been such a long time since I've blogged that it took me forever to figure out my user name and password... so long that I may not be able to blog tonight due to being so worn out...hahaha

Things are looking up...when I am looking up!

It's been too long since I've blogged and the last few postings have been nothing short of my tears...
I feel it is so important to say that I am doing so well... so good.  God has been so incredibly faithful to ME.  His love, mercy and grace have carried me above the bumps in the road, over the things that could trip me up if my eyes were not on Him.

For those who are catching up... we were almost homeless in June, my family has been separated, and through that alone I have risen above what could be a negative, spiteful time in my life and given it all to God, truly to God.  I walk in peace... and happiness, content and thankful for where I am right now in my life, knowing that this is for a season and that God has so much more for me and my family.
My dear friend has gone on to be the with Lord, and while I miss her each and everyday, and it is work daily to not allow myself to ask why, question the ultimate Hand of God in our lives as well as not let myself feel sorry for "me".... I miss her so deeply, but I know more than ever how God works in such amazing ways.  I know that Tami is so happy and at such peace now, it isn't about me.. it is about the Lord!!

Each day is a challenge, somedays bigger than others, each day I have to remind myself to not allow my spirit to become lazy and allow my flesh to rise up and bring me down. 

God is good, each day to me, He walks with me giving me favor and wisdom (when I choose to seek Him first)... When people ask me how I am, I simply, honestly say I am great, I am good... because I am great, I am good... His grace is sufficient!  So long as I am looking up, things will always look up!!

Through the fire

Let me begin by saying that this is not me telling you things for you to feel bad for me...
This is all about me telling you how great my life is...
After loss, pain, hurt, disappointment and through the loss, pain, hurt, disappointment I find myself walking in joy, happiness and peace. 
I walk in a peace that I can not explain to you, that while there are days that I have tears that come for the loss of my dad, my aunt, my friend or even my one child I never held or saw, I still walk in peace.  The struggles in my family, my marriage, the struggles within myself over self confidence, self assurance.  I walk in peace.
I have been reminded over and over of how Daniel was in the lions den or the 3 men walked through the firey furnace how they faced it, walked through it and came out untouched.  I imagine they felt the heat, and they prayed all the way through... but they came out of it.
I miss my loved ones, I wonder what may have been or why they  had to be taken so early in my life and their lives.  But, I know that God wrapped His arms around them, He took care of them and surrounded them with love as they entered into His Glory. 
And despite it all I have learned to trust in Him even more... lean on Him even more.  I am stronger because I am leaning on HIm even more, I am closer to Him because of it all.  And that is why I am walking in peace.