In April I wrote of a friendship that was restored, renewed.... a hole was filled within my heart, one that I didn't understand what created it, a friendship lost that had given me support at such a hard time of my life.
In July.... I can not even bring myself to say the words... however, it is the reality of the world I am in (not "of").
My friend, my soul sister, my confidant, my home to go to, left this world that we are in, to go to the one we are "of"...
Typically, I can rejoice in that, and while part of me does, or atleast wants to. I feel like she moved away and I didn't get to say goodbye, that she moved and while I know it was what she had to do I didn't want her to go. I stood by tearfully, trying to force a smile as I saw her leave.
I always knew I could tell her anything and that my secrets were safe with her in my heart I knew that, even though I knew she'd told me things that others had confided in her; and it was so true. While I had confided in her something that was going on in my life a couple of weeks before she left, she hadn't told a person no matter how close they were to her... not even her daughter. She was a tremendous friend. And while I knew I'd held her hand through some difficult times... she gently stroked my back during mine. Our last conversations were full of great things... positive things... chats like only I could have with her. You see with her I could tell her the worse things I'd done, the wrong choices I made, she never judged me, she never told me how stupid I was... she loved me, she told me she was there for me. And I knew that she was, whether it was another wrong choice or to hear me say, I made the right one finally, she rejoiced with me, she cried with me, she got mad with me, and mostly she laughed at me, my quirky, dorky sense of humor she loved, she told me over and over again. She always told me how pretty I was, how she always thought I was so pretty. [People, I grew up in the 80's with the puffy hair that was natural curly so it wasn't pretty like Farrah's, big round plastic glasses....] she encouraged me to write always telling me how lovely my handwriting was and my words inspired her. No one on this earth ever saw so much good in me, such potential in me or if they did they never expressed it to me... Don't get me wrong I know my mom loves me, she supports me... but well this person was divinely put in my life just as I was put in my mothers... and we aren't attached by DNA. Although I felt we were in so many ways.
Forever, my heart will ache, while I know that God loves me and that my Lord gives me the strength, and that Jesus loves me so much that He was willing to die for me... trust me I know. If it weren't for the Lord I do not know where I'd be... or I know of where I'd be and I am so grateful I don't have go there because of the mercy of Jesus.
You see my heart aches tonight for me I miss my friend who is gone from me... and yet is present with the Lord that I love so much and trust more than anyone. I am trying to be happy for her and for Him, for the first time He has literally held her in his arms. But tonight, I am hurting, longing for my friend.... crying to God to ease my pain, but sensing it will be a long time before that pain subsides... But standing still and feeling God renew me, soothe me, brings me such peace, and in His love and light darkness can not prevail.
