If I told you what I've been through the past 10 months you probably wouldn't really believe me and there are days that it still keeps pouring on.
Betrayal from people that you thought you could rely on, those who actually vowed to be there, others who you just always thought would be. Those are the ones that can hurt you the most.
A friend recently said that its the stuff we aren't prepared for that are the hardest.
How true is that? If you'd told me what was going to happen before it happened I may have been able to prepare myself, or would I?
I mean after all when we find out a loved one is ill, or their end it near, we think we are prepared then when we lose them but we never really are. So maybe it would not have been easier to see all of this ahead of time.
I know in losing Tami, if I would have known I would have picked up when she called me an hour before she left this world... I would have made the hour or so drive and been standing in her doorway telling her to call in sick that day... I would have stood in the highway telling her not to go that way... there isn't anything in this world that would have prepared me or made it ok to lose her that day.
With my marriage... geez I saw that happening, unfolding before my eyes. For years I prayed, I studied... eventually, I will admit I gave up a bit; I quit caring... I stopped being upset by what seemed to be going wrong. I never totally gave up, I begged, I asked, I pleaded for him to get on track. It never seemed to be something he could do, it still isn't something he seems to be able to do.
I've had to give up things I was passionate about, I have had to rethink who I am, what I should be doing. I have had to put the rubbers (boots) on, okay they are the boots you wear when you duck hunting up to my thighs... tuck my (1) pair of Miss Me's in and toughen up... figure out what I should be doing now, (I thought I knew 6 months ago what I was suppose to be doing).
I've had to drag myself out of bed, most days I've just pulled the covers up over my head, and waited until my kids were home to drag myself out of bed, but I've done it.
I've cried until I didn't think I had a tear left, but still felt them pour down my cheek...
yelled and spoken words I am shocked to this day to hear come out of my mouth...
felt my soul cave in as I was beaten down by people I so thought were friends...
I've thought that I couldn't take anymore, and debated running away, taking my kids and just leaving.
As life goes my children keep me grounded, give me a sense of purpose, my faith rebounds me, the hope revives within me, and keeps me moving on. Knowing that God created me for something, some purpose, job...
I like to think that IF I weren't needed, if there wasn't something that I was needed for no one would be working against me, especially as hard as they seem to be at this point and time.
I see the path clearing, the ground becoming firmer... I feel the excitement stirring up within me the kind that drives you to do something, something big!
I am grateful for the grace and mercy that my God gives me, even when I stumble and fall, when I continue to fail Him, He is right there waiting for me to stand up... it's been tough to stand up lately, but as Donnie McClurkin sings, "when you've done all you can YOU JUST STAND!"
No song inspires me or makes me cry like that one... somedays its all I can do to sit up straight... but I think in God's eyes that is close enough to standing...
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