Ah I love that song... "Here I go again on my own....going down the only road I've ever known.... like a drifter I was born to walk alone...." whoa, wait a minute....
I am not a drifter nor and I born to walk alone. The road, it's the not the only one I've ever known, but this is a road I have chosen to walk down, with someone who loves me more than I could imagine was possible to love an individual.
He loves me so much that he knows me, he knows what I need or want before I do. And guess what? All I have to do is lean on him, and lets be really honest when we love someone, truly love someone, we want to be everything to them, for them. Help them, we want them to want us. "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me..." that is true, that part of the song is true at least.
I was a drifter walking alone... but that was not my destiny, nor what was purposed for my life. I do not believe for one minute that any of use are destined for that.
Nonetheless, I found myself walking alone for quite sometime, never understand why I felt so alone. I had my family, my precious children (ah their love has me awestruck). So if I wasn't alone why did I feel alone?
Hmm... I really don't know, because I was doing what I thought was right spiritually speaking, even. Even before my dad died we went to church, I do not recall a time that we missed church on a Sunday except when we weren't home. I remember getting new shoes, purse, gloves, hat everything for every religious holiday. Nothing more quite like a pretty new pair of white patent shoes.... seriously, I looked forward to those every year, I'd wear them once and have black heel marks on them after my first wear. I looked forward to being able to do the same thing for my daughter when I had her. After dad died we went to church, we were taught that God loved us so much that He gave His only Son for our sins. I believed that...
oh there were times as an adult that I made decisions that I know broke Gods heart.... looking back they broke my heart. Then I would do them again... shame on me. But, God forgave me and as I allowed Him to break through to my heart I felt peace after many, many years. Still I was lonely... achingly so. I had friends, and the seemed to come and go in and out of my life, then slowly about a year ago I began to see things shift. Instead of wondering why all the time, I began to thank Him for what was before me.
After this year things really began to turn around... the closer I became to him, the more I got to know him, the more I understood how very much he loves me, unconditionally even when I yell at my kids or I am short tempered with my husband or mom.... He loves me and because he loves me I am seeing what I am doing wrong and I am becoming a better person, better mom, daughter, sister, friend, wife.
I read a scripture that told me that wise people do not allow others to annoy them [Proverbs 12:16]... so I am determined to be wise and not allow others to annoy me, that is not to say that I am going to lose my passion. If I lose my passion I would not be who I am and who he has allowed me to become. So, there are times like tonight when I was in a room of people (almost all women/mothers) and I heard them being so negative, talking about all that could go wrong instead of what could possibly go right... whew that got to me. I mean seriously, do you KNOW what God has done for me lately?
He has restored relationships, opened doors of opportunity, began new relationships....
Lastly, and biggest... my first best friend from childhood found me recently... I wept when I saw her name... I weep thinking of it all now, tears of joy.
So you see Here We Go Again.... down the road paved with love and joy.... like a victor I am not on my own!
