Let me begin by saying that this is not me telling you things for you to feel bad for me...
This is all about me telling you how great my life is...
After loss, pain, hurt, disappointment and through the loss, pain, hurt, disappointment I find myself walking in joy, happiness and peace.
I walk in a peace that I can not explain to you, that while there are days that I have tears that come for the loss of my dad, my aunt, my friend or even my one child I never held or saw, I still walk in peace. The struggles in my family, my marriage, the struggles within myself over self confidence, self assurance. I walk in peace.
I have been reminded over and over of how Daniel was in the lions den or the 3 men walked through the firey furnace how they faced it, walked through it and came out untouched. I imagine they felt the heat, and they prayed all the way through... but they came out of it.
I miss my loved ones, I wonder what may have been or why they had to be taken so early in my life and their lives. But, I know that God wrapped His arms around them, He took care of them and surrounded them with love as they entered into His Glory.
And despite it all I have learned to trust in Him even more... lean on Him even more. I am stronger because I am leaning on HIm even more, I am closer to Him because of it all. And that is why I am walking in peace.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Joy comes in the morning
This summer has been filled with so much. Fortunate for me and my family we walk in Faith. Faith in a living Savior who loves us so very much that He wants to take away our burdens.
I find myself walking out "Be still and know that I am God"... during all that I've faced these past few weeks all I can do is continue to move forward, by walking in the footsteps of my Lord who has gone before me, and yet He in His amazing way is walking beside me each step of the way.
The word of God says, "Joy comes in the morning..." As humans we sometimes forget that our tomorrow isn't always Gods tomorrow. So, as a child of God I will continue to Stand, Be Still, Walk in His way for my life, this gives me peace and joy.
I find myself walking out "Be still and know that I am God"... during all that I've faced these past few weeks all I can do is continue to move forward, by walking in the footsteps of my Lord who has gone before me, and yet He in His amazing way is walking beside me each step of the way.
The word of God says, "Joy comes in the morning..." As humans we sometimes forget that our tomorrow isn't always Gods tomorrow. So, as a child of God I will continue to Stand, Be Still, Walk in His way for my life, this gives me peace and joy.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Deep despair, darkness can not prevail
In April I wrote of a friendship that was restored, renewed.... a hole was filled within my heart, one that I didn't understand what created it, a friendship lost that had given me support at such a hard time of my life.
In July.... I can not even bring myself to say the words... however, it is the reality of the world I am in (not "of").
My friend, my soul sister, my confidant, my home to go to, left this world that we are in, to go to the one we are "of"...
Typically, I can rejoice in that, and while part of me does, or atleast wants to. I feel like she moved away and I didn't get to say goodbye, that she moved and while I know it was what she had to do I didn't want her to go. I stood by tearfully, trying to force a smile as I saw her leave.
I always knew I could tell her anything and that my secrets were safe with her in my heart I knew that, even though I knew she'd told me things that others had confided in her; and it was so true. While I had confided in her something that was going on in my life a couple of weeks before she left, she hadn't told a person no matter how close they were to her... not even her daughter. She was a tremendous friend. And while I knew I'd held her hand through some difficult times... she gently stroked my back during mine. Our last conversations were full of great things... positive things... chats like only I could have with her. You see with her I could tell her the worse things I'd done, the wrong choices I made, she never judged me, she never told me how stupid I was... she loved me, she told me she was there for me. And I knew that she was, whether it was another wrong choice or to hear me say, I made the right one finally, she rejoiced with me, she cried with me, she got mad with me, and mostly she laughed at me, my quirky, dorky sense of humor she loved, she told me over and over again. She always told me how pretty I was, how she always thought I was so pretty. [People, I grew up in the 80's with the puffy hair that was natural curly so it wasn't pretty like Farrah's, big round plastic glasses....] she encouraged me to write always telling me how lovely my handwriting was and my words inspired her. No one on this earth ever saw so much good in me, such potential in me or if they did they never expressed it to me... Don't get me wrong I know my mom loves me, she supports me... but well this person was divinely put in my life just as I was put in my mothers... and we aren't attached by DNA. Although I felt we were in so many ways.
Forever, my heart will ache, while I know that God loves me and that my Lord gives me the strength, and that Jesus loves me so much that He was willing to die for me... trust me I know. If it weren't for the Lord I do not know where I'd be... or I know of where I'd be and I am so grateful I don't have go there because of the mercy of Jesus.
You see my heart aches tonight for me I miss my friend who is gone from me... and yet is present with the Lord that I love so much and trust more than anyone. I am trying to be happy for her and for Him, for the first time He has literally held her in his arms. But tonight, I am hurting, longing for my friend.... crying to God to ease my pain, but sensing it will be a long time before that pain subsides... But standing still and feeling God renew me, soothe me, brings me such peace, and in His love and light darkness can not prevail.
In July.... I can not even bring myself to say the words... however, it is the reality of the world I am in (not "of").
My friend, my soul sister, my confidant, my home to go to, left this world that we are in, to go to the one we are "of"...
Typically, I can rejoice in that, and while part of me does, or atleast wants to. I feel like she moved away and I didn't get to say goodbye, that she moved and while I know it was what she had to do I didn't want her to go. I stood by tearfully, trying to force a smile as I saw her leave.
I always knew I could tell her anything and that my secrets were safe with her in my heart I knew that, even though I knew she'd told me things that others had confided in her; and it was so true. While I had confided in her something that was going on in my life a couple of weeks before she left, she hadn't told a person no matter how close they were to her... not even her daughter. She was a tremendous friend. And while I knew I'd held her hand through some difficult times... she gently stroked my back during mine. Our last conversations were full of great things... positive things... chats like only I could have with her. You see with her I could tell her the worse things I'd done, the wrong choices I made, she never judged me, she never told me how stupid I was... she loved me, she told me she was there for me. And I knew that she was, whether it was another wrong choice or to hear me say, I made the right one finally, she rejoiced with me, she cried with me, she got mad with me, and mostly she laughed at me, my quirky, dorky sense of humor she loved, she told me over and over again. She always told me how pretty I was, how she always thought I was so pretty. [People, I grew up in the 80's with the puffy hair that was natural curly so it wasn't pretty like Farrah's, big round plastic glasses....] she encouraged me to write always telling me how lovely my handwriting was and my words inspired her. No one on this earth ever saw so much good in me, such potential in me or if they did they never expressed it to me... Don't get me wrong I know my mom loves me, she supports me... but well this person was divinely put in my life just as I was put in my mothers... and we aren't attached by DNA. Although I felt we were in so many ways.
Forever, my heart will ache, while I know that God loves me and that my Lord gives me the strength, and that Jesus loves me so much that He was willing to die for me... trust me I know. If it weren't for the Lord I do not know where I'd be... or I know of where I'd be and I am so grateful I don't have go there because of the mercy of Jesus.
You see my heart aches tonight for me I miss my friend who is gone from me... and yet is present with the Lord that I love so much and trust more than anyone. I am trying to be happy for her and for Him, for the first time He has literally held her in his arms. But tonight, I am hurting, longing for my friend.... crying to God to ease my pain, but sensing it will be a long time before that pain subsides... But standing still and feeling God renew me, soothe me, brings me such peace, and in His love and light darkness can not prevail.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Didn't see that comin'
The day didn't start out quite as I had planned, but that is because I am a compulsive "planner". IF we have something to do, I make a plan for that day I will work out the details from time to get up, what needs to be done, time to leave and expected time of arrival. Is that so out of the ordinary? I guess it is to my family... While I had planned the morning out the night before, planned out the day before that, and went over the plan with the family, asked for any questions, comments or suggestions No ONE spoke up, so to me the plan was a "Go"!
Friday, was the last day of school, so the plan was to get the kids off to school, go up to the school to wrap up PTA things, hand out 'gifts' that weren't delivered the day before, pick up John Luc at 2:40, take him to get his haircut, pick up Shae-Lyn & Coulson go home change, clean up and be ready to leave for Rachels graduation by 4:45...no later than 5. We had almost 2 hr drive (counting stopping to fill up with gas) and had to be there on time to get our seats. Over slept for the last day of school... headed to school, forgot the gifts that had to be delivered, got the paperwork done, wrapped things up, left to pick up John Luc, thinking, while he is getting his haircut I will got get the gifts, drop them at the school pick up the 2 kids, go back pick up John Luc and we won't be too far behind. Hair stylist calls, she's running 15 minutes late... NOT a big deal, I will pick up the gifts, after I pick up John Luc he can help me deliver them, I will have the 2 kids walk to moms. See!! I am Flexible!! Got the haircut done, picked up the kids, got home, told the kids...Get ready to go! I jumped in the shower, got out at 4:35ish, still no husband. I will go with the natural look with the hair, put make up on in the car. 4:50 no husband, 4:55 nothing. "Someone call Dad". No answer. 5:04 pm, he finally contacts homebase and tells us to pick him up at work! What!?! Okay, jump in the car and let get going. We jump on the turnpike and head that way, pick him up around 5:20, stop get gas, on the road headed west 5:35. Finally after detours due to road construction we arrive in Fairfax... only about 5 minutes late. Not bad. It's okay, I would have just balled my eyes out watching Rachel walk down the aisle, Pom and Circumstance always makes me cry. Good thing is when I am taking photos I don't get so emotional. I walked down the aisle toward the front as the graduates came off the stage to hand out white roses to their parents. I watched Rachel to try to get a picture, but by the time I realized she was handing a rose to her Mom I was weeping... all the past thing didn't matter anymore. She was beautiful, intelligent, she accomplished the first goal in her life that will take her on the path of her adult life. Before we know it she will be getting married, and having children (not too soon!), but it all comes before we realize it. Then I followed her as she went to her Dad and gave him a rose, didn't get a picture of it... then she came to me. I was so surprised, shock doesn't even touch on it. Touched, honored... I wept, really touched my heart.
Friday, was the last day of school, so the plan was to get the kids off to school, go up to the school to wrap up PTA things, hand out 'gifts' that weren't delivered the day before, pick up John Luc at 2:40, take him to get his haircut, pick up Shae-Lyn & Coulson go home change, clean up and be ready to leave for Rachels graduation by 4:45...no later than 5. We had almost 2 hr drive (counting stopping to fill up with gas) and had to be there on time to get our seats. Over slept for the last day of school... headed to school, forgot the gifts that had to be delivered, got the paperwork done, wrapped things up, left to pick up John Luc, thinking, while he is getting his haircut I will got get the gifts, drop them at the school pick up the 2 kids, go back pick up John Luc and we won't be too far behind. Hair stylist calls, she's running 15 minutes late... NOT a big deal, I will pick up the gifts, after I pick up John Luc he can help me deliver them, I will have the 2 kids walk to moms. See!! I am Flexible!! Got the haircut done, picked up the kids, got home, told the kids...Get ready to go! I jumped in the shower, got out at 4:35ish, still no husband. I will go with the natural look with the hair, put make up on in the car. 4:50 no husband, 4:55 nothing. "Someone call Dad". No answer. 5:04 pm, he finally contacts homebase and tells us to pick him up at work! What!?! Okay, jump in the car and let get going. We jump on the turnpike and head that way, pick him up around 5:20, stop get gas, on the road headed west 5:35. Finally after detours due to road construction we arrive in Fairfax... only about 5 minutes late. Not bad. It's okay, I would have just balled my eyes out watching Rachel walk down the aisle, Pom and Circumstance always makes me cry. Good thing is when I am taking photos I don't get so emotional. I walked down the aisle toward the front as the graduates came off the stage to hand out white roses to their parents. I watched Rachel to try to get a picture, but by the time I realized she was handing a rose to her Mom I was weeping... all the past thing didn't matter anymore. She was beautiful, intelligent, she accomplished the first goal in her life that will take her on the path of her adult life. Before we know it she will be getting married, and having children (not too soon!), but it all comes before we realize it. Then I followed her as she went to her Dad and gave him a rose, didn't get a picture of it... then she came to me. I was so surprised, shock doesn't even touch on it. Touched, honored... I wept, really touched my heart.
One of those moments that I wouldn't have seen coming and will NEVER forget. A few weeks before that her brother, Jack said something to me on facebook and it was also one of those moments I will never forget. After giving him a little advice, nothing he asked for directly, but me being me, gave it to him anyway... he replied back and said, "Thanks Debbie, you always know the right thing to say." This was from my 16 yr old stepson.... he doesn't know how much that meant to me. Another one I sure didn't see coming... and will not soon forget.
So as I we were driving home I went over Plan A, Plan B... went with Plan A, everyone seemd to be in agreement. Not so much when it was time to implement the plan.....
Got started later than planned due to not sticking to the plan. Got everyone where they needed to be, on time, reasonably speaking. Headed to the ballfields for John Luc to play baseball first time in weeks.
Did I mention that Shae-Lyn had her dance recital today as well... oh yes and originally she was dancing the Act I which was perfect with my busy day, John Lucs baseball schedule was an early game and a late game... which meant if I could make arrrangements to get her to rehearsal that morning I could go to John Lucs first game... get done with the game pick her up take her to the hair stylist to get her hair put up, watch her dance take her after she is done performing we could head to the baseball fields, again and all watch John Luc play at 6:15. Whew!! That was too easy----------------------
Get to rehearsal at 9 am; her group is now dancing in Act II... which will be about the time John Lucs game is starting if I am lucky. I almost cried, how do I choose between my 2 children and watching them do the things the love so much! It will work out, it will work out. So off I go to drive Gerald to work. On the way to the baseball game my brother happens to come to mind, IF Curtis is going to the late game, maybe he could get John Luc out there for me and then Shae and I will head out that way as soon as she is done dancing. YES! Curtis can... it is all coming together. I knew it would just wasn't sure how it would....
We arrive at the correct ballfields all is going well. Looking forward to working on my ballpark tan...ah the joy of baseball. It's a bit windy, ah who am I kidding it is very windy. But it is afterall, Oklahoma!
The game begins, not winning but not bad.... John Luc pitched, ah ok..not great. He was hitting well, this has been a good year for him especially with hitting the ball. He's having fun with this group... I am so grateful, you really do not know unless you've had a child who LOVES something, it's his passion it has been since before he was ever on a team, he use to dress up as a little boy and tell me he was ready to go play ball. He would say my coach called mom...he didn't have a coach or a team. Not in reality... but in his dreams he did, he always gives 110%, his heart is so big for the game, he is a coaches dream to coach-I have had coaches tell me that. Nonetheless his first broken heart was from a coach... so to have him on this team who believes in him, embraces him and encourages him... what an answer to prayer. Anyway, so he was playing 2nd base, the ball was bouncing all over the place on these fields. Seemed to hit the ground and go a bit crazy... it had gotten past him a few times, this time it didn't get past him. It hit him on the nose! Down he went. Calmly I got up to show I was a concerned parent. As I heard the coaches yell we need rags... and a coach looked at me said, "His nose is bleeding a bit, Mom". I figured as much... I really wasn't worried. So, loaded up his bag, they called the game walked down to the car, loaded up got in and he broken down... "It hurts Mommy!" When your 14 yr old son, who is as tall as you and his voice is deeper says Mommy it takes you spinning back to when he was 2... Calmly I said I understand son, let get going, get some ice.. and access after that. I called my brother and told him what was going on so he could set my Mom up for what may lie ahead. We get to Moms, and his nose was so swollen, his eye looked a bit black and while the bleeding has slowed down it wasn't done. So, I decided it was off to the ER we go.
WAIT!! Shae-Lyn... her hair appointment was at 2, it was 1:25... I looked at her and said, I have to take your brother to the ER, (I just knew she'd fall apart, just knew she wouldn't want to go to the recital without me while this was going on with her brother)... she said, well go ahead and I will get ready for my recital. I explained I wasn't sure how long it would take and she said she understood... My little girl has really grown up. She was calm and mature, not angry, or disappointed. She rose to the occasion and followed through on her committment to her class. Everyday I thank God my Mom is around, available and able to help me with my kids. Today, if it weren't for her Shae-Lyn would have had to miss her recital.
WAIT!! Shae-Lyn... her hair appointment was at 2, it was 1:25... I looked at her and said, I have to take your brother to the ER, (I just knew she'd fall apart, just knew she wouldn't want to go to the recital without me while this was going on with her brother)... she said, well go ahead and I will get ready for my recital. I explained I wasn't sure how long it would take and she said she understood... My little girl has really grown up. She was calm and mature, not angry, or disappointed. She rose to the occasion and followed through on her committment to her class. Everyday I thank God my Mom is around, available and able to help me with my kids. Today, if it weren't for her Shae-Lyn would have had to miss her recital.
We arrived at the ER...
Of course there is a wait... we are watching the clock, me to see if we are going to make Shae-Lyns recital, John Luc was itching to get back to the ballfields... After about an hour my brother and his family stop by, he was still in taking John Luc to the baseball game mode. After sitting there for an hour with 4 patients in front of us; John Luc still in some pain, and still a bit of blood coming from his nose we are all thinking if we make it he won't be playing...
So, while I am sitting there... trying to keep from being inpatient I am facebooking (thank the Lord for technology!)... texting... people are praying for John Luc. And those that know that Shae-Lyn is preparing for her recital without her support group with her, I know they were saying a prayer for her. To be honest I was praying for her and Mema more than I was John Luc, I suppose because he was sitting there with me, she was not.
About 5:30 pm they call John Luc back, they say, "We have opened our Fast Track up to help get some of you out of here, sorry for your long wait". [Here is my thinking... its an ER, people are there for help, you never know how many people are going to be coming in... I am not frustrated, annoyed, or irritable. Not worried, knowing that someone bigger than me is in control because I have given HIM control]. They sit John Luc down, it's not broken...(hoorah) they go into more details...explaining what to do... good thing they write it all down because right now I can't tell you much they said, except by 5:38 pm they were telling us the news by 5:45 they were signing paperwork and we were in the car, by 6 pm we were at the recital, waiting for Shae-Lyn to come on stage... by 6:27 she was on stage, graceful, beautiful, elegant... she is transformed when she in in ballet mode. She appears so different... she is a ballerina.
I was able to get down by the stage and take a few pictures, she looked over and saw me. I am not sure how it made her feel to see I was there... but it sure made me feel good to be able to see her dance. She honestly, didn't look surprised... it was like she knew I would be there, or she just had peace, confidence. She's always exuding confidence that exceeds my imagination. From Kindergarten on... from time to time I see pieces of her confidence be challenged but she seems to be like lizard when the lose a piece of their tail it grows back. When someone chips away at her confidence, it always seems to come back... She is beautiful... everytime I look at my children I an struck by the awe factor that they are MY children... really they are God's, I can not take much credit for who they are, really. I am such a flawed person, so far from the amazing people they already are, it is not possible for them to be WHO they are without God guiding them, directing me.
The day ended with joy, peace, a very grateful heart on my part. Exhausted... but truly with a smile on my face and in my heart.
We woke up and started the day with John Luc saying he was in no pain, so off to baseball we went, called his coach and said he was feeling good. We got there and God blessed us again by an outpouring of generousity of love and support by the people HE has placed in our lives...
John Luc played well, again, hit well... a bit timid when he played 2nd... but he did well, his team played well. He had a good time with is new friends, who I believe God sent to us for a reason, as He always does. They won a game and lost a game, which sent us home to relax and get back into our day to day life and outside of our baseball world...
I certainly didn't see alot of that comin', and I didn't look forward to see it go, it was a good weekend, full of love, peace and joy... I guess what I've learned is that when I trust Him, it doesn't matter what is comin' I don't see it but He does and He is in control of my life, and all of those who come into my life.
Happy Hippos Batman!!
As a small child I loved Batman. Not, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, or even easy on the eyes George Clooney... but the old "Bam, Pow, Bang" Batman. I was a small toddler and my Mom tells me I would sit there and watch it over and over, infact so much so that one of my first words was Batman. I wonder now if my cousin Brian watched it and I joined in.
I will never forget the home we lived in with my grandmother, Ruth Soderboom. My father had been sent to VIetnam, he worked with rescue helicopters. My Mom a new mother, and I a baby spent quite some time with my Grandma in Rockford, lived in a 2-story gray house. We lived upstairs and Arte Johnson and his wife lived downstairs... a swedish man, small in stature, very big in heart. I can not recall his wifes name, but I do recall things. I can remember the stairs that led to our home, the dark wood, with black runner made of plastic or rubber. I recall walking up the stairs to the door that lead into the home. I remember the creeking sounds the old wood made. Most of all I remember the smell. A dark, warm odor, probably (since I am not a big drinker) from the liquor that was consumed by the adults.
I have fond memories of love, joy... time with my cousin and my Grandmother that we lost a few years later. I still have one of the Christmas gifts I received at that home on my first Christmas; I also have a doll bed that Arte built for me.
Life is beautiful... life is something to cherish... to relish in ever moment... soak up each event and the love that you feel. As a young child I learned that, early on in my life I learned that you do not know what the next moment is going to hold for you. I think it gave me a different insight for the people in my life... to really SEE them in my life and appreciate that they were put in my life for a reason, even if at that moment I do not know or possibly they do not know why. No matter how big or small they have contributed to my life just as each breathe I take is important to my survival, each person who I have known has given to my life and helped me become there person I am... and will continue to be... I trust that I will continue to learn, grow, and become a better Christian, mother, wife, daugther, sister, cousin, aunt, friend a dominant contributor to this world we live in---through the strength and wisdom of my Lord and Savior!
I will never forget the home we lived in with my grandmother, Ruth Soderboom. My father had been sent to VIetnam, he worked with rescue helicopters. My Mom a new mother, and I a baby spent quite some time with my Grandma in Rockford, lived in a 2-story gray house. We lived upstairs and Arte Johnson and his wife lived downstairs... a swedish man, small in stature, very big in heart. I can not recall his wifes name, but I do recall things. I can remember the stairs that led to our home, the dark wood, with black runner made of plastic or rubber. I recall walking up the stairs to the door that lead into the home. I remember the creeking sounds the old wood made. Most of all I remember the smell. A dark, warm odor, probably (since I am not a big drinker) from the liquor that was consumed by the adults.
I have fond memories of love, joy... time with my cousin and my Grandmother that we lost a few years later. I still have one of the Christmas gifts I received at that home on my first Christmas; I also have a doll bed that Arte built for me.
Life is beautiful... life is something to cherish... to relish in ever moment... soak up each event and the love that you feel. As a young child I learned that, early on in my life I learned that you do not know what the next moment is going to hold for you. I think it gave me a different insight for the people in my life... to really SEE them in my life and appreciate that they were put in my life for a reason, even if at that moment I do not know or possibly they do not know why. No matter how big or small they have contributed to my life just as each breathe I take is important to my survival, each person who I have known has given to my life and helped me become there person I am... and will continue to be... I trust that I will continue to learn, grow, and become a better Christian, mother, wife, daugther, sister, cousin, aunt, friend a dominant contributor to this world we live in---through the strength and wisdom of my Lord and Savior!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Time....!
Wow... where has the time gone? It's the middle of May already.
My Shae-Lyn turned 11 yrs old, I am finding it very difficult to say that she is 11 years old!!! I keep wanting to say she is 9 or 10 (sshhh! Don't tell her). She's done so well in school, learning lifes lessons are the hardest thing for me to sit back and 'watch' my children go through. Although, I have to say they seem to be able to roll with the punches of life and get right back up and move forward.
It was also my Dads birthday on the 8th... such an emotional day for me, that and his last day on earth. My brother and his family and my kids and I met up at moms house and we did some work outside and then ate lunch... Mom gave us a photo of my dad when he was a baby. It was a great way to honor him. So many days I think of what he is missing by not being here part of my life, my childrens life. Since my hope lies that he is in peace in Heaven, I guess ultimately I think of how much I miss him and the dream every child has, but probably doesn't realize until they are an adult, the dream of their parents being a part of their life for a very long time, for most of their lifetime.
Mothers Day came along with my birthday... and it went. But, Monday rolled around and I went to lunch with my girfriends.... what a great idea. We have discussed having a birthday lunch club... meeting up once a month or 6 wks to celebrate birthdays.
>>Side note, I watched The Middle, Mothers Day episode...she suggests having a post Mothers Day celebration that is truly for Mom the day after, great idea!
The month has been amazing just as I knew May would be and it is only half way done.
The reunion with my childhood best friends has been so soothing, so natural. While we have so much to catch up on it doesn't feel like it we have missed all the years together. I can not wait to see her face to face. To sit and talk with her... what is so interesting is that we experienced the same things in life in so many ways.
WAIT!!! Did I mention that I have been bumped up to PTA President? Yes that is right, when my husband asked me what I thought, I elloquently (ok in debbieisms as my husband calls it) said something I had read, God doesn't give me something that he has not already put within me the ability to do! So, it's all on God... I will succeed because of Him... as I do in all areas of my life. Half way there...whoa oh..Livin on prayer... because of my Faith it is all Good, all the TIME!
My Shae-Lyn turned 11 yrs old, I am finding it very difficult to say that she is 11 years old!!! I keep wanting to say she is 9 or 10 (sshhh! Don't tell her). She's done so well in school, learning lifes lessons are the hardest thing for me to sit back and 'watch' my children go through. Although, I have to say they seem to be able to roll with the punches of life and get right back up and move forward.
It was also my Dads birthday on the 8th... such an emotional day for me, that and his last day on earth. My brother and his family and my kids and I met up at moms house and we did some work outside and then ate lunch... Mom gave us a photo of my dad when he was a baby. It was a great way to honor him. So many days I think of what he is missing by not being here part of my life, my childrens life. Since my hope lies that he is in peace in Heaven, I guess ultimately I think of how much I miss him and the dream every child has, but probably doesn't realize until they are an adult, the dream of their parents being a part of their life for a very long time, for most of their lifetime.
Mothers Day came along with my birthday... and it went. But, Monday rolled around and I went to lunch with my girfriends.... what a great idea. We have discussed having a birthday lunch club... meeting up once a month or 6 wks to celebrate birthdays.
>>Side note, I watched The Middle, Mothers Day episode...she suggests having a post Mothers Day celebration that is truly for Mom the day after, great idea!
The month has been amazing just as I knew May would be and it is only half way done.
The reunion with my childhood best friends has been so soothing, so natural. While we have so much to catch up on it doesn't feel like it we have missed all the years together. I can not wait to see her face to face. To sit and talk with her... what is so interesting is that we experienced the same things in life in so many ways.
WAIT!!! Did I mention that I have been bumped up to PTA President? Yes that is right, when my husband asked me what I thought, I elloquently (ok in debbieisms as my husband calls it) said something I had read, God doesn't give me something that he has not already put within me the ability to do! So, it's all on God... I will succeed because of Him... as I do in all areas of my life. Half way there...whoa oh..Livin on prayer... because of my Faith it is all Good, all the TIME!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
And Here We Go Again...
Ah I love that song... "Here I go again on my own....going down the only road I've ever known.... like a drifter I was born to walk alone...." whoa, wait a minute....
I am not a drifter nor and I born to walk alone. The road, it's the not the only one I've ever known, but this is a road I have chosen to walk down, with someone who loves me more than I could imagine was possible to love an individual.
He loves me so much that he knows me, he knows what I need or want before I do. And guess what? All I have to do is lean on him, and lets be really honest when we love someone, truly love someone, we want to be everything to them, for them. Help them, we want them to want us. "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me..." that is true, that part of the song is true at least.
I was a drifter walking alone... but that was not my destiny, nor what was purposed for my life. I do not believe for one minute that any of use are destined for that.
Nonetheless, I found myself walking alone for quite sometime, never understand why I felt so alone. I had my family, my precious children (ah their love has me awestruck). So if I wasn't alone why did I feel alone?
Hmm... I really don't know, because I was doing what I thought was right spiritually speaking, even. Even before my dad died we went to church, I do not recall a time that we missed church on a Sunday except when we weren't home. I remember getting new shoes, purse, gloves, hat everything for every religious holiday. Nothing more quite like a pretty new pair of white patent shoes.... seriously, I looked forward to those every year, I'd wear them once and have black heel marks on them after my first wear. I looked forward to being able to do the same thing for my daughter when I had her. After dad died we went to church, we were taught that God loved us so much that He gave His only Son for our sins. I believed that...
oh there were times as an adult that I made decisions that I know broke Gods heart.... looking back they broke my heart. Then I would do them again... shame on me. But, God forgave me and as I allowed Him to break through to my heart I felt peace after many, many years. Still I was lonely... achingly so. I had friends, and the seemed to come and go in and out of my life, then slowly about a year ago I began to see things shift. Instead of wondering why all the time, I began to thank Him for what was before me.
After this year things really began to turn around... the closer I became to him, the more I got to know him, the more I understood how very much he loves me, unconditionally even when I yell at my kids or I am short tempered with my husband or mom.... He loves me and because he loves me I am seeing what I am doing wrong and I am becoming a better person, better mom, daughter, sister, friend, wife.
I read a scripture that told me that wise people do not allow others to annoy them [Proverbs 12:16]... so I am determined to be wise and not allow others to annoy me, that is not to say that I am going to lose my passion. If I lose my passion I would not be who I am and who he has allowed me to become. So, there are times like tonight when I was in a room of people (almost all women/mothers) and I heard them being so negative, talking about all that could go wrong instead of what could possibly go right... whew that got to me. I mean seriously, do you KNOW what God has done for me lately?
He has restored relationships, opened doors of opportunity, began new relationships....
Lastly, and biggest... my first best friend from childhood found me recently... I wept when I saw her name... I weep thinking of it all now, tears of joy.
So you see Here We Go Again.... down the road paved with love and joy.... like a victor I am not on my own!
I am not a drifter nor and I born to walk alone. The road, it's the not the only one I've ever known, but this is a road I have chosen to walk down, with someone who loves me more than I could imagine was possible to love an individual.
He loves me so much that he knows me, he knows what I need or want before I do. And guess what? All I have to do is lean on him, and lets be really honest when we love someone, truly love someone, we want to be everything to them, for them. Help them, we want them to want us. "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me..." that is true, that part of the song is true at least.
I was a drifter walking alone... but that was not my destiny, nor what was purposed for my life. I do not believe for one minute that any of use are destined for that.
Nonetheless, I found myself walking alone for quite sometime, never understand why I felt so alone. I had my family, my precious children (ah their love has me awestruck). So if I wasn't alone why did I feel alone?
Hmm... I really don't know, because I was doing what I thought was right spiritually speaking, even. Even before my dad died we went to church, I do not recall a time that we missed church on a Sunday except when we weren't home. I remember getting new shoes, purse, gloves, hat everything for every religious holiday. Nothing more quite like a pretty new pair of white patent shoes.... seriously, I looked forward to those every year, I'd wear them once and have black heel marks on them after my first wear. I looked forward to being able to do the same thing for my daughter when I had her. After dad died we went to church, we were taught that God loved us so much that He gave His only Son for our sins. I believed that...
oh there were times as an adult that I made decisions that I know broke Gods heart.... looking back they broke my heart. Then I would do them again... shame on me. But, God forgave me and as I allowed Him to break through to my heart I felt peace after many, many years. Still I was lonely... achingly so. I had friends, and the seemed to come and go in and out of my life, then slowly about a year ago I began to see things shift. Instead of wondering why all the time, I began to thank Him for what was before me.
After this year things really began to turn around... the closer I became to him, the more I got to know him, the more I understood how very much he loves me, unconditionally even when I yell at my kids or I am short tempered with my husband or mom.... He loves me and because he loves me I am seeing what I am doing wrong and I am becoming a better person, better mom, daughter, sister, friend, wife.
I read a scripture that told me that wise people do not allow others to annoy them [Proverbs 12:16]... so I am determined to be wise and not allow others to annoy me, that is not to say that I am going to lose my passion. If I lose my passion I would not be who I am and who he has allowed me to become. So, there are times like tonight when I was in a room of people (almost all women/mothers) and I heard them being so negative, talking about all that could go wrong instead of what could possibly go right... whew that got to me. I mean seriously, do you KNOW what God has done for me lately?
He has restored relationships, opened doors of opportunity, began new relationships....
Lastly, and biggest... my first best friend from childhood found me recently... I wept when I saw her name... I weep thinking of it all now, tears of joy.
So you see Here We Go Again.... down the road paved with love and joy.... like a victor I am not on my own!
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